More Excuses

26 Apr

I may have mentioned a large part of my social life involves alcohol. It’s not just me, it’s me and all of my friends. And most of my family come to think of it. Perhaps it’s my own paranoia that I think people secretly think I’m an alcoholic, but I’m obsessed with the fact people will guess I am pregnant the minute I turn down a glass of wine. Is the only way to hide this going to be hibernation until week 12?

I’m not sure if women are pre-programmed to detect pregnancy, but they all do it. I’ve done it. “She’s not drinking, she MUST be pregnant”. “She’s hardly been out, oooh I bet she’s pregnant”. “She’s given up smoking; she’s got to be pregnant”. It’s really annoying. I want it to be a surprise when I tell people. I want a genuine, shocked reaction not “I knew it!” It’s the biggest news I will ever tell people in my life and it should get the drama it deserves. But it’s really hard.

I stated previously how I needed more excuses. Well, when it comes to pregnancy and how to keep it a secret I’ve realised that people you socialise with tend to fall into certain categories as to who you tell what lie to and how effective that fib will be. Hopefully this may help some of you in the future.

The ex-work colleague / person you see every couple of months. You don’t see them that often, but when you do you ALWAYS meet for drinks. The ‘antibiotic’ excuse works well with them. They know you like a drink, it’s what you do together. You’re not saying, “I’m not drinking”, only, “I can’t drink for medical reasons”. You tell them how annoying it is so they think you’re genuinely frustrated and you tell them you can’t wait until next time so you can get hammered. By the time you see them again, you’ll be able to tell them your news. It worked for me on numerous occasions.

Work drinks. Easy, you tell them you have other plans and you just pop in for one. Order a soft drink and if they question it say that you’re really hungover, have to go out again tonight and can’t face drinking just yet. Work people tend to celebrate a hangover and never question it. Particularly in Television. In their mind you’re still one of them, you’re about to go out and do it all over again. They think you’re hardcore so will allow you this one soft drink. Just be sure to regale them with tales of drunken debauchery on Monday morning.

The friends you see all the time. Now, these are the hardest and require the most amount of subterfuge. They know your patterns. They know how much you can put away. The answer is simple. You never accept a drink from them, only your partner. I’ve taken to saying very loudly over the table “Yes hubby, I’ll have a ‘vodka’, soda and fresh lime”.  Although remember to ask for a regular vodka sized glass. A pint glass isn’t quite so convincing. If I’m feeling particularly daring or can’t quite face another hit of h2o, I sometimes ask for a ‘bloody’ Mary. Bless vodka and its water like consistency. Thank you Russia for your invention, pregnant women everywhere salute you.

The only problem I have encountered so far is when there are very few of you and everyone is drinking wine. Now wine, in all its yellowy glory cannot be replaced by something else.  Nothing can masquerade as this beauty. It’s a pregnant woman’s nemesis. In this situation I have stuck to my ‘Vodka’, said I’m trying not to drink too much wine on a night out because it gets me so drunk (rather worryingly very few question me when I say that) and only had one friend ask me “You’re not pregnant are you”? Luckily she was too drunk to remember. Well I hope she was. There’s still a chance she’ll turn round in week 13 and tell me “I knew it!”

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