Blooming Heck

21 Jun

I was always under the illusion that you ‘bloom’ during pregnancy. It’s what people say isn’t it? ‘She’s blooming’ ‘she’s glowing’ ‘pregnancy definitely suits her, she looks amazing’. ‘Have you seen her lately? Her skin is radiant, her hair is shiny – pregnancy is definitely her thing’.

I’ve heard these expressions many times over the years and, given my issues with hair, it was almost enough encouragement to get pregnant years ago. If you’re going to look that fabulous then why the hell not?!  

Then you get pregnant and you learn that all this ‘blooming’ business is just a trick. In fact if you trace it back I’m pretty sure it was a PR stunt by a buggy or a nappy manufacturer to encourage procreation. Ok, maybe not, but it really wouldn’t surprise me.

The fact is that for most women the first three months are not fun and that nothing blooms, not even a bunch of flowers that your husband has bought you to make you feel better. If you’re lucky you’ll only suffer the nausea, not constant vomiting. You’re more tired than you will ever be in your life. So tired you could sleep all day and all night. You can barely put one leg in front of the other as you ‘attempt’ to walk anywhere and you would give away the contents of your bank account for an afternoon power nap.  

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or so you are led to believe. Apparently come the second trimester this all stops. You no longer feel sick. You have lots of energy and dare I say it, you start to ‘bloom’. Given that I suffered from the aforementioned tiredness and nauseous I was more than a little excited to get to this stage. In my naivety I thought I’d wake up to find I have Claudia Schiffer’s hair (she is my hair wish celebrity given that she possesses an urban myth –hair that is not only blonde, but also shiny).

Ok, so week 13 comes. I still feel sick and I still feel tired. I’m concerned, but I’m not overreacting. I’m ok, I can ride this out, I’m growing my baby and if it means I feel like this then so be it. I’ll do anything for my child. Who knows, perhaps I’ll be more like a ‘week 14 and it all starts to look up’ type person.  

It turns out I am sort of this person because come week 14 I have much more energy and only the very random occasional nauseous day. But as I’m learning, Mother Nature is a bi-atch who seems to give with one hand and viscously take with another.  For I am not blooming. Far from it.

Firstly I feel really fat. I know, I know, I’m pregnant. But those of you who have had a child or are carrying will know what I mean. I’ve put on weight, but I seem to be missing the pregnant bump. My once hard stomach is now all soft and squidgy and getting wider by the day. My legs are bigger, as is my bottom. In none of the literature did it inform me I would be pregnant in my arse.  

Secondly my hair is still awful. It has never been so lacking in body, life, texture or moisture. Oh and it gets greasy really quickly. There have been a few hysterical moments when I’ve threatened to do a Britney and shave the lot off. Such are my unpredictable moods, that hubby has actually hidden the clippers.

Thirdly, I have developed acne. I’m 33 and I have more spots than a teenage boy.

But there are a few pro’s.  Of course there are. The main one being that I’m having a baby and by feeling like this it means my little jelly bean is eating every bit of goodness out of me. And I love this. The more crap I feel, the better. I also have great nails. I’ve spent my life with no nails. Not by me biting them, they simply don’t grow. As a gay female friend once pointed out “the only thing remotely lesbian about you is your short nails”. She will be disappointed.

So there, I’m not a vision of blooming loveliness, far from it. I hope this makes at least some of you pregnant ladies out there feel a little better. And for those of you that are blooming, I salute you. 


2 Responses to “Blooming Heck”

  1. Louise_tweets_ June 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    Colleague comes back off holiday to find me looking half dead with tiredness. I’m cheerily informed that I’ll “perk up before you get to your third trimester”. “I’ve just started my third trimester.” “oh”.

    • mum-to-be June 22, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

      oh no, not want you want to hear! How many weeks are you now?

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