What I Didn’t Expect When I Found Out I Was Expecting

18 Jul

I’ve never been pregnant before. I have lots of friends with children and my sister (who I think is secretly insane) has four (hence the insanity). They all tell you the odd pregnancy / birth story, some more graphic than others, but I can never remember having any conversations about what to really expect when pregnant. Perhaps it’s like most people say – once you’ve had baby you forget the detail.

I’m now 6 months and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to forget any of it. I also wish someone had sat me down previously and given me the unabridged, unedited, ‘this is what will happen when you’re preggers’ talk. For I am a person who likes to know everything.

So, I’ve written and list . What I didn’t expect when I found out I was expecting:

1. You get fat, or at least you feel fat. Yes, you’re pregnant and it’s amazing and wonderful and you’re growing a baby, but only celebrities put on nothing but the baby weight. Your legs will get bigger, your arse will get bigger, your face will get bigger. People will tell you, ‘you’re still tiny’. They are lying. People will tell you, ‘you look really well’. They aren’t lying, but what they really mean is, ‘you’ve put on weight’.

2. You will probably feel sick. To combat this you will eat a lot more food in order to make yourself feel less sick. This doesn’t really work, but you do it anyway as anything is better than feeling like you are in a washing machine on spin dry for three months.  This will make you gain more weight in the first trimester than is necessary. You may think dry crackers are a ‘healthy’ alternative to continuous dry slices of toast. They are. If you eat four. Not so if you eat four packets.

3. You will become irrational and unnecessarily angry. Over everything. The washing up. The weather. Public transport. Loud breathing. Queues. Whether the temperature of your tea is right. If Tesco have run out of something you want. The list is endless. Oh and people who you once found only slightly annoying, you now want to kill.

4. You cry. A lot. Something you would have perhaps laughed at six months ago now has you in hysterics. Don’t even think about reading a sad book or a real life magazine story in public. You will sob and you won’t care who sees. Don’t watch any films you loved in your childhood if you want to remember them that way. I recently had a very traumatic experience watching Uncle Buck.

5. Don’t listen to anyone. Every pregnancy is different and everyone’s experience is their own. A very wise new mum offered me the best advice I’ve been given – not to take any. There is nothing to fuel my irrationality and unnecessary rage more than people with kids telling me what I should know. If I want your opinion / advice on breastfeeding / labour / sickness / epidurals / raising a child / the importance of routine / whether or not the last thing I will think about is washing my hair post birth, I will ask for it. Seeing as though this is something women have been doing since the dawn of time, I’m pretty sure I’ll find some way of coping.

6. You will become a worrier. If you’ve read my blog you’ll be aware of my overactive imagination and neurosis. This is now in overdrive.

7. You will not poo. Well, if you do it’s a rarity. So rare you might as well be shitting diamonds. This is because your digestive system is now ‘sluggish’. You will also feel the need to share this rare experience with others.  My colleague, who is now privy to almost every baby experience, is also well versed in the movements of my bowel.

8. At a time in your life when you need the most sleep, you will suddenly find yourself waking up early and getting two hours less than you normally would. Maybe it’s your body getting ready for having a child? Maybe you need less sleep when pregnant? Either way it’s a bitch.

9. Oh and don’t get me started on getting comfortable. You won’t. Not on your back, your left side, your right side, or your front. I’m about to purchase a pregnancy pillow that looks like a giant penis. Apparently it helps you sleep. I shall let you know how it works out.

10. Don’t tell anyone what names you‘re thinking off. Everyone has an opinion and/or knows someone they dislike with the same name. Wait until the baby is here and they have no other option but to say ‘ah what a beautiful name’.

11. You will need to pee every fifteen minutes. You will feel like you are desperate to go every fifteen minutes. Even if you don’t drink much water you will need to go every fifteen minutes. When you do go, you expect to be peeing for a long time given how desperate you are. You don’t. You could probably fill a thimble with what comes out. It’s the bane of my life.

12. People will think they can touch your belly without asking. I’m telling you, that is not ok. It’s my body, my baby and at no other time would you walk up to me and place your hand on my stomach. I would not do this to you so please, get off unless I say it’s ok.

13. This is the only time in your life when you will get special attention. People stand for you, people insist you have the only remaining seat/biscuit/slice of pizza. People won’t let you lift anything. You can get away with murder because no one wants to upset the pregnant lady. Use it. Milk it. It will only happen a few times in your life.

14. The first time you feel your baby move is amazing. You will never feel love like it in your life. It’s truly, truly wonderful.

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2 Responses to “What I Didn’t Expect When I Found Out I Was Expecting”

  1. Louise_tweets_ July 19, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    And just to prove everyone’s different… Point 7: I have never pooped so much in my life!

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